IT'S GONNA BE MAAAYYY

5 / 26 / 2024

The surgery didn't happen. I shouldn't be surprised. This kind of thing always happens to me. We're moving on to plan B, I might still have another way out of this hellhole.

I've had more full-on panic attacks this month than I have in the past several months. Everyone says it'll be fine. I hope it will. At least I got to spend a week on vacation with a friend. It's surreal that it's over already.

5 / 3 / 2024

Lots of big things going on.

Finally managed to fix my magical/real life space after a Certain Fuckhead managed to mess everything up. Stuff in my life feels like now it's properly starting to fall into place. Business is picking up again, and it's not draining the life out of me to do spells/conjures when needed.

I didn't realize how much they were holding me back until now I don't have to put up with their sorry ass. People keep asking me why I even put up with their bullshit for so long, but it turns out I split 4 or 5 new alters from all this nonsense, so part of it was that I just genuinely didn't remember how shitty and demanding they were. But whatever. They're gone now and I'm free.

I went and deleted all the personal info I sent them in servers and DMs in case they try to like. Curse me or something. But then again, I don't think they'd be able to manage much. I taught them a lot of what they know, and they threw out all the spell materials I gave them. Fuckin dumbass lol.

- - -

I've been feeling good enough to paint something again! [X]

Later this month I'm gonna be taking a plane to get the surgery I've wanted for like 10 years. I'm actually really anxious about it. Not necessarily about the surgery itself- I know that it's gonna be fine and the hospital/doctors at the place have high ratings.

It's more like I'm worried that it's not going to happen. Like, some random disaster is gonna happen and it's going to have to get cancelled again. And then I'm going to have to wait even longer to get things sorted out. I hope that's not the case, but if it is, I don't even really know what I'll do.

But, then again... Usually when an opportunity gets ripped out from under me, I am usually oblivious to it and do not have any anticipation about it. So maybe in this case the fact that I'm anxious is, paradoxically, a sign everything will be fine.

Hopefully I can start to get other things sorted out in my life, too. Some psychic lady said 2026 is gonna be "my year" so we're gonna just pocket that belief and use it as motivation to actually build up to that year.

- 🧬