I'm just gonna use this one for the rest of 2024 since I don't make these all too often. Entries are in Chronological order this time. Use sidebar to jump.
6/22/2024
Ok. So I'm just gonna keep June/July on the same page since I haven't been updating shit for June. OK?
I should probably be updating my site a bit more, but that recent witch friend drama has really put a major block on what I feel like doing with magic stuff. Apparently spiritual-wise I got a lot more "injured" than I thought I did because ex-friend was awful and I need recovery time. F.
Busy busy busy, though. I have a meetup later this month, in September I have an art festival I'm vending at, and in November I hope to have enough money to fly in to a friend's wedding. There's also some other stuff going on.
My doctor will try to re-file the request for surgery with some different terms. If insurance denies it again, then it's not technically considered a covered expense so they might be able to let me pay out of pocket for it.
Well. Better get to it. I'll sleep when I'm dead.
- 🧨
7/11/2024
Well... A lot's been going on. I went to NYC for a few days as a mini vacation so I could go to a meetup and see some friends. It was alright. It's not like it was bad- I'm glad I had the opportunity to go see friends. It's just... I dunno. I have a problem feeling excited and fully enjoying things sometimes.
I ended up tripping getting into the tub though while I was there, and bruised my leg pretty badly. Even after like 2 weeks it still hurts and the area is still purple. I'm also starting to get mysterious random back pains. F.
Business is picking up a bit more than I expected (usually summer is the lower end of sales for online stores, since more people are going outside to shop). So that's nice. By the end of this month, I'll definitely have enough for rent.
My doctor re-submitted the claim for surgery a few days ago, so we're just waiting on insurance.
The local gallery wants to display my jewelry in August. I might have to make some new pieces, but I hope someone actually wants to buy something.
I'm supposed to be relaxing for my own health for about a week, but I'm finding it pretty hard to do so. Demons/spirits said everything will be fine though, and I trust them enough.
I should probably focus on my artfight attacks. I've already made a few. I think I'm just going to keep sticking to using markers. Purposeful messy stylization helps take the pressure off to make a "good" drawing.
- 🧬
8/19/2024
Ok. A lot of things have been going on.
- I'm gonna be a vendor at possibly two different festivals?
- I got my hysterectomy
- My neighbor's house exploded, and the blast radius broke our windows.
There's some other minor things as well. I started physical therapy for my arms. Apparently I have thoracic outlet syndrome, and also my upper trap muscles are atrocious and stiff as rocks. Which is not good.
Life has otherwise been pretty nice, all things considered. Picking up more jewelry again. I've been meaning to start painting again, but artfight kinda sucked the life out of me.
I've also been able to secure preorders for some rare magic materia that was absolutely good the first time I used it- hoping the second round is even better now that I actually know what to do with it. It's called Thema Mundi and it's the effort of some pro astro-mage who was following the current cycle of the planets in signs etc etc this is some "once every 28 years" type stuff that took over a year to complete.
Other than that... Not sure what else I'm supposed to be doing? I don't think I particularly look like it, but I'm constantly trying to keep myself busy with things. Only time will tell I guess. I have some more pages planned out for witch tutorials.
- 🧁
9/19/2024
Whoops. It's already been a month since my last post.
Stuff has been... Weird lately. I feel like I should be more sad, and maybe I am, but I'm also not.
Therapy hasn't helped much. I don't know if it ever will, after 12 years of not getting much of anywhere.
Talking to things like guardian spirits for comfort has helped somewhat.
I don't know what else I'm supposed to do. I took a risk and opportunity to vend at a huge art fair, but this year was a big flop for everyone involved, including me. But it was still the most pendants I've sold in over a month, even if it was only a few. I need to get back out there, but I don't know how. In just 5-6 years, the world has changed so much. Everything's twice as hard.
My surgery has healed up mostly nice, but there's a stinging pain in my right side, and doctor doesn't know what it is. It's probably not horribly bad- most likely some muscle cramps or something from the healing- but it still concerns me. I'm wondering if I accidentally hurt myself while stretching too much while healing and now it's just fucked up.
Things haven't been all bad, I guess. I ordered some expensive high-end magic materia from a store, and they accidentally sent me a ton of extras. I assume it's from a mix-up where they accidentally packed someone else's order with mine, but I got to keep them. They're blends made for luck, stability, and financial growth, so that might be nice.
---
I kind of don't know what I'm doing this all for, though.
Everyone has goals, or a dream job, or is married/in some other arrangement they like, or... I don't know. I wonder what I have that's unique to me. I have spirits, but at least half of the planet doesn't believe in that sort of thing, and sometimes I don't entirely, either. It really sucks when your special talent is something most people think isn't real or is some scam or fraud. It feels like I don't really have anything (tangible), and I probably never will. Opportunities promised to me are often taken away.
At one point I wanted to be a good artist, but then came face-to-face with the realization that my brain damage will make it so that I can never improve in any meaningful way. I forget new skills or accurate anatomy easily. People are often impressed with my jack-of-all-trades behavior, but many of the things I can do now are things I could do in high school, or things where I can easily extrapolate from the data I already know on how to complete the task. I'm very limited in that sense. This isn't even counting the fact that a lot of people find "real art" to be stupid as a job. Even people who will pay for commissions mostly just want fandom things.
I'm not really sure what else I should shoot for? Most people don't want to date someone who's a professional occultist, let alone already married to a demon (even if polyamorous relationships are allowed in the situation). Most of my work has been freelance, and all the official groups/startups I've worked for just straight-up aren't in business anymore, and I can't use them as references. I have a degree in 3D animation, but I haven't used those tools since I graduated- I'd have to learn how to use Maya or something. That, and I think I'd hate to work for a studio. Trying to "look within" or doing work to try and find life paths also comes up with nothing.
I just don't really know what I'm doing. I don't know why I'm still here. I'm only here because every time I try not to be here, someone or something interrupts and then I'm here again. Like I'm not allowed to leave this shithole planet until it's the right time. Even freak accidents that should have killed me, won't.
I think about times where I've really felt at peace. Where I'm on drugs and undergoing ego death and I'm just floating in darkness. But realistically, it's not something I can do all the time.
It feels like I'm not supposed to be here. On this planet. It's always felt like I'm supposed to be up there, somewhere, ever since I can remember. My body is too small and compacted, my movement is too limited. When I'm properly meditating, and in a state where I can't feel anything else around me, I'm free again.
I'm in a place where scales of time are so much longer, and there isn't day-to-day things to worry about. Where everything is so far apart, but looks like you could reach out and grab it. Where it's cold and I can feel the limits of my body fade away. Where I'm indistinguishable from a cloud of stardust. I'm large and small at the same time and there's a universe inside me. Where everything seems like chaos, but when you understand it, every motion can be calculated with math- but you don't have to worry about where it goes, even if you could. You just sit there. You just are. You know what it means to simply be.
The place where I am, on the ground, right now, does not feel like home. I don't think it ever will. I don't know if heaven exists, and I don't necessarily want it to. I just hope that one day, I can go "back". Back to where you're nothing and everything.
- 🧬
10/28/2024
I keep thinking about coming back to this and updating it, but I keep getting distracted.
According to a few forms of astrology, this is about the time my life takes a turn for the better (or possibly when I turn 30 next year), so I guess all I have to do right now is hang in there... Probably. Lenormand cards also keep referencing success for me. Which I hope is true, because by god I'm getting tired of being alive again.
I've just been trying to keep myself busy with random stuff I've been putting off.
Magic-related stuff is also taking up a lot of my time. I've been having a lot of doubts if spiritual forces are real. I don't know why. Whenever I do spells, they usually work, unless it's a tall order. Simple things like an extra pick-me-up, or me doing what I do best (removing malicious entities from people/houses/etc) are feasible and easy to replicate. So I don't know why I keep worrying about this.
I actually tried not to do any spellwork for success etc for a few weeks just to see what would happen and... I had a big dry spell with my store that started stressing me out. Now that I'm doing things again, business has picked up again. I'm a bit frustrated with myself over that. I might have set myself back by a bit by doing that.
- 🧬
11/13/2024
We are back in business. Sort of. Apparently October had some really bad astrological alignments and retrogrades and whatever all going on at once? I don't know the details, that's just what people have been saying to me to explain why, from a magical standpoint, it sucked ass. Things are slightly better now. I at least have enough to pay rent this month. Which is great compared to only having, like, 1 sale for the month.
I went to see my friend a few days ago. The bus got delayed by like 3-4 hours, but we still got to hang out. It was alright. I've never been to a gay bar before, we don't have those where I live. Would go again.
It feels like a fuckton has happened in such a little time. I want to catch a break. Shimomi Shimomi please give me a million dollars from a scratch off or something lol ... ← guy who is about to get their ass kicked by the universe
Still been up to magic stuff. On Halloween I made a special anointing oil that's for... Talking to stuff relating to the dead and damned? Unsure. The demon Dantalion guided me to make it. It seems to help me get meditation communication results from my ghul djinn friend, so that's that. I don't generally talk to literal human ghosts, so I don't know what else to test it on. A few days ago I was also compelled to do a really big spell that... Uh. Is a surprise tool that'll help us later? I also don't fully know what that's about.
I don't know what else to talk about. It feels like there's so much, but also nothing at all. Life still feels kinda bland and meaningless, but it always does. People also keep saying I should get involved with local government and run for some small office position nobody cares about, and start climbing the ranks. Lowkey considering it.
Looking for jobs that don't suck and won't break my back. Fruitless so far.
- 🧬
11/20/2024
Ok so I got my Thema Mundi from Sphere and Sundry on the 15th. I've been taking a little bit of it every day. It's also recommended you do the Headless Rite with it. I decided to do the version linked on the site (from "The Sutra of the Poison Buddha")
The first time I did it on the 17th, I got a splitting migraine. I finished it, and the headache slowly subsided. That night, I woke up in the middle of the night from a nightmare, though I don't remember what happened in it.
On the 18th, I did it once more in the morning, then once in the evening. Both times, my head hurt. The Headless Rite is supposed to be a sort of exorcism, with this specific one often being used as a sort of "initiation" for people who want to just full throttle into spiritual stuff. I don't think people usually use it if they're already knee-deep in it like I am, but it is sometimes recommended for those having a bit of a fallow period.
Immediately after the third time, my browser on my computer started glitching out with all sorts of random colors. Literally like one of those eyestrain scenecore glitch edits. It started working properly again after a reset, though.
I felt compelled to repeat the ritual as many times as is needed until it feels "complete". It did not yet. On the 19th, I did it again for the 4th time (invoking King Beleth to help), and then took a nap. I had a notable dream after, that seems to be heavy-handed on the symbolism.
I don't remember how the dream exactly started out, but this is the first scene I remember:
I was on a bicycle, peddling on the highway near my house, at night. There were cars on the road and even other cyclists on the side, but I didn't care. I was peddling extremely fast- more fast than humanly possible. The number "74" in terms of mph kept popping in my mind as far as how fast I was going. (I know 74 is apparently a significant number for spiritual growth in western spheres, but that part stands out to me because in a lot of Asian stuff, 7 and 4 are associated with the spirit world/death. Personally speaking, though, these numbers are usually good for me, instead of bad luck- a sign that the spirits are with me.)
I was weaving in and out of traffic like I was dodging a video game boss. No matter how close I got, I never touched anyone. I couldn't stop. The brakes did not work at all, I just had to keep going and going, even through red lights. I think at one point I somehow ran up a ramp and flew over a car. Nobody honked or yelled at me, even though they did clearly notice me, and some people swerved out of my way.
I became aware that I was not wearing a helmet. I was *very* aware of the consequences if I slipped up, particularly what would definitely happen to my head. But I knew I would not get into an accident so long as I didn't stop, and kept going. It was a combination of the fact that I knew it would be OK, but also knew that I could not stop even if I wanted to. There was a point where I stopped peddling, but I was still going just as fast. I was also semi-worried I would get pulled over by a cop, but I still had the "it's not gonna happen, don't think about it" thought.
Once I actually got to my destination, I just stopped. I didn't even really need to slow down, I just magically kinda stopped at the place. I picked up a helmet waiting for me. It was pink (not usually a color I wear, though I don't dislike it). I was actually able to put on the helmet and then bike home, at similar speeds and got there safely.
The dream ends there.
When I woke up again later in the day, I did the headless rite a fifth time, this time invoking my main patron god (Bulalakaw) first. It didn't hurt at all this time, though my head did and still feels a little weird. I then ate an apple immediately after.
As of typing all this, it's about 2 AM on the 20th. I'm a little curious as to what dreams I'll have next. I think I'll do it one more time before I go to bed. I feel like I'm almost there. Just a few more times at the most, I hope.
- 🧨