Welcome To My Ramblings

4 / 26 / 2024 - I AM NOT BEATING THE "WEIRD PERSON" ALLEGATIONS!!!

Note to self: maybe figure out a better way of formatting this stupid shit. IDK I guess it's fine I'm going for function over form here.

Anyway, sooooo much has happened lately. Like. "My life is a sitcom" levels of "so much."

First of all: Bune was right!!! I don't need my ex friend to pay me back now because I suddenly made enough sales to pay off my CC debt! Which is good because I don't want to be hounding them for money. Originally I said "oh just pay me back whenever" for all the stuff I sent them and did for them but that was... Before I realized they're probably not going to have a job for a long time and also that they were a dick to me and other friends. Bune was also probably part of the reason they were finally admitted to a psych ward to get help. DNA HAREM NUMERO UNO

(Ppl who know me personally are allowed to ask me what the fuck happened if they want.)

But whatever. Now I can focus on other things, but uh. I think I split another again from all the stress?? I don't know who/where the new fucker is because they've been very covert, but all the warning signs are there. I hope they're not too scared or anything to talk to people. We have tons of friends who DON'T SUCK.

I'm gonna be going to a concert with some friends in about two weeks! I have no idea who the band is! Not in the sense that I don't know their name, but I've never listened to a single song by them before. I just kinda said yes for something to do and I didn't want my friend to go alone. I'm gonna not listen to any songs by the band tho just to keep things fresh for when I actually go. I think it'll be a nice experience if I go in blind.

- ???

4 / 18 / 2024 - AUGH

Someone I trusted for years turned out to be a huge manipulative asshole who was talking about me behind my back and threw out a bunch of magic stuff I gave them.

I know they're having a mental health episode right now but apparently their manipulative and abusive behaviors were happening before the obvious psychotic episode. Things seemed off for a while now, and even the spirits didn't really like this person, but I ignored it because I thought maybe I was just being paranoid.

I'm starting to get over it now and I'm blocking them and stuff, but I hope something happens to them. Even if that "something" is just getting landed in a psych ward so they can get their shit sorted out and not be anyone's problem.

The demon Bune says my luck will start looking up by the end of the month. I hope they're right.

- 🧨

4 / 15 / 2024 - Yaaayyy

Today has been okay. I managed to code out my dream diary and then I updated my story, @_L0N3. I'm still wondering how to mirror it so people don't have to join my personal server to read it. But I'm also a little unmotivated. I still have to mirror what's been made of Soundless Sleep.

But to be honest, I'm hesitant to mirror that too. I feel like the writing just... Isn't good enough to put it out as a public work? When it's something that's some small friend group thing, it doesn't really matter if it's "good" or not. But re-reading it just feels kind of embarrassing to me.

I mean, I know that doesn't really matter, but also... eugh.

- 🧨

4 / 13 / 2024 - Misc

I guess this one is just more of an interesting tidbit to me. Basically, I was playing Buckshot Roulette and let one of my spirits "backseat game". They got really into it and would send me mental messages like "It's live. Shoot", or "First one's blank."

They weren't correct 100% of the time, but the accuracy was startling, especially for low-odds shots or 50/50s where it's impossible to tell without items. They only messed up a few times, and it was after I'd been playing the game for a while and they said they were getting "tired" and were starting to mentally tab out.

I'm not entirely sure how this works or how they could tell, but I guess it could be used as a really good teambuilding-type exercise for figuring out how to interpret spirit messages?

I'm half wondering if you could do some kind of similar thing at a Casino, but I know some witch friends who work at Casinos and they say the vibes are always rancid. I wouldn't be surprised if there's actual spiritual forces to prevent people from metagaming like that.

- 🎙

4 / 12 / 2024 - Svengali notes in case I decide to do a proper write-up for my website

This actually happened a few weeks ago, but at some point I was looking around for other demons that weren't listed in the Ars Goetia. While the Lesser Key of Solomon has made those entities very popular, they're all from other grimoires or other mythological sources. The Ars Goetia is a phone book. So with a little digging, it's possible to find other entities, such as Sonnellion.

Anyway, I was curious about an entity called "Svengali". Now, this guy was first mentioned in some story, but that doesn't necessarily make the spirit non-existent. It's entirely possible that the inspiration came from the spirit. Most personal anecdotes of people who have successfully summoned or invoked Svengali say that he's... Well. Pretty evil.

And I don't mean the stereotypical "evil" like how people think that any morally gray entity that isn't some subservient angel is automatically "bad", I mean like... grade-A asshole. The guy who is abusive to his own godspouses. (Which... The main godspouse I have found of his seems to "like" this so like... Not gonna make any major judgements on that other than "damn bitch, you live like this?")

Still, I'm the type of person who wants to experience things first-hand. I'm no stranger to "evil" entities who- not to woobify them or anything- don't actually turn out to be that bad, or are otherwise just morally gray because they don't think the same way that humans do. (e.g. You wouldn't really assign moral blame to a polar bear for eating someone... They just kinda do that.) Experience spoilered because it ended up being a bit long.

Bune said it was likely that nothing bad would happen to me if I tried to do it, so I just decided to go for it.

To cut to the chase, things didn't go "bad" in the sense of, "not the worst outcome ever", but they weren't... Great. My first red flag was the fact that Svengali could not enter my house without my strict permission. While my wards and protections may occasionally under-correct, if they solidly block something from getting in, it's usually for a very good reason, since they never over-correct.

He told me that this was partially because the other demon lords were the ones who were protecting my house, and that he'd be in some deep shit if he did something without my permission- even if that thing was just "enter my house". Against my better judgement, I let him in to have a proper encounter. In, the, uh. Usual way I decide to do offerrings to demons. cough

Svengali was... Rancid vibes. Now, I have OCD, so it's not unusual for me to get very intense and realistic imagery in my mind every time I close my eyes of unwanted things. However, I haven't had any episodes like that in a while. This guy made all that shit happen. Images of stuff like gore and other gross/weird things would come to the surface of my mind against my will. I'd heard that he enjoys fucking with people like this, and at the time I didn't mind for some reason? (I have a feeling he can manipulate people's responses to things so that they don't seem as bad as they actually are...)

Astrally/magically, I felt like I was temporarily being tied up with webs. Like this was some BDSM kinda shit for him. Again, at the time I... Didn't really feel anything "wrong" with it, even in hindsight I'm like "eugh..." (Not in the sense that I think that stuff is "bad" but in the sense that I feel kinda gross that I probably wouldn't have consented otherwise)

I'm not entirely sure what else he did to me, but the vibes were totally off for the next few days until I did some heavy cleansings and tried to remove any sort of energetic ties I might have to him. It also turns out that the message I originally got from "Bune" saying he's safe may have just been him intercepting my meditation to talk to her just to be a dick and set this whole thing up. Apparently he's been eyeing me for some time and may have been influencing me to check him out so I'd be more likely to consider him as a potential suitor.

Because after all this happened and I tried to talk to Bune and Beleth about it, they both told me to stay the fuck away from him and that they'd make sure he can't come back. I haven't had any problems since, so I assume he's fucked off for good.

Well... Now I know why most godspousing and demonolatry spaces don't let you in if you're devoted to him.

- 🧬

4 / 11 / 2024 - AAAAAAA

Ok. i rly feel like i need to get my ass in gear. I'm gonna (HOPEFULLY. KNOCKING ON WOOD. PLEASE I CANT TAKE IT ANYMORE) be getting my surgery on the week of May 19th. one of my awesome friends will be providing me with the money to get it done at Oklahoma and another cool friend will go with me since i need a buddy for legal reasons.

I'm excited but also... scared?

it's a running theme in my life that i get promised things like everything lines up only for it to be pulled out from under me at the last second. i dont even mean that people are purposefully trying to mislead me or gaslight me but like, for example, if someone is like "yeah i can spot you for 100$" then all of a sudden some random emergency happens that they can't do that. Or maybe if i manage to raise money for a thing I really want, then something else important happens like my car breaks down and i have to pay for that instead.

but anyway im like 400$ in debt on my credit card rn and trying to work on at least getting my balance to zero because I need to save up some extra money bc after the procedure i might be out of commission for a few weeks. idk how long it actually will be. but i still need to pay rent next month and idk if my mom will help with that. she doesn't want me to get my surgery done like this bc she's convinced insurance will cave EVENTUALLY and pay for it. but like. for this particular procedure it can take ppl years to get approved unless it's immediately life threatening like if ur endometriosis turns cancerous. but with the specific situation i have it already is potentially life-threatening, it's just not enough of an "emergency" for insurance to give a shit. It's rly infuriating tbh

to be honest this has actually been really depressing for me. It feels like a lot of ppl don't actually give a shit about the fact i could have a stroke and die over this. (not counting. like. the few ppl actually trying to help of course. i just mean my family and stuff)

so for the next month im not taking any goddamn chances. all luck oil all rituals all the time im gonna pray to every single god and demon relating to death and illness and money that i have any clout with to make sure nothing goes wrong. nothing WILL go wrong by my hands so help me. I'd put out a donation post but those rarely get anywhere so I've given up on that.

- 🧁

4 / 9 / 2024 - 4 / 10 / 2024 - Coding. ugh

It's the 10th but I'm gonna be rolling over slighlty into the 11th by the time I'm done with trying to figure out how to do this. I'm not really good at coding but considering a lot of it is googling "how to [x]" and then editing stuff people have already made, I can probably figure out how to do this.

tbh advanced ritual practices are a lot like coding stuff anyway so this doesn't seem too too hard. Also I used to have to code stuff in college for doing 3d animation and stuff but that's a bit of a different thing than webpages. Visual Studio Code w/ a preview plugin also makes shit like 10x easier lol

Was feeling rly blocked out of magic stuff since that eclipse and after consulting some other ppl I decided to put out an offering to Bulalakaw since he's a plague god and probably supercharged by current astrological events. I feel fine now. Which is cool.

So, some other things: I tried making good luck oil on the eclipse but it didn't turn out how I really wanted it to. I couldn't figure out the vibes on it. But after using it I think I figured out what it was- It's not an "abundance" and money conjure oil as intended, but it appears to be similar to "I can, you can't" oil. (Something you put on before playing a competitive game or gambling against another person for an extra edge against your opponent.) Not what I wanted, but we take those.

Ingredients for those interested:

- 🧁

4 / 8 / 2024 - Eclipse Shenanigans

Eclipse was cool, I guess. Everything just felt... Wrong.

I did some custom conjures for the eclipse which I need to get the info of later. Work keeps piling up. I'm kinda glad I get to get paid for something I'm actually good at and doesn't seem to be a huge deal for me. But also being a commission artist/gig worker/whatever kinda sucks. It's like... You have to do your own business taxes stuff, you gotta be your own advertising/PR, you gotta deal with customer service. And when your business is occult stuff you get the most entitled assholes who don't even know how magic works IRL and expect it to be instantaneous Harry Potter BS.

But despite everything, I do love my job. When I don't have the worst customers imaginable. If you told child me that I'd be casting curses for people or summoning demon familiars I'm sure they'd be ecstatic. Well. To be honest I'm kind of sad I can't sell my art. I might prefer to be a painter or something, if people still actually bought paintings. But my favorite works I've made have been described by others as being too abstract or niche for people to really care about.

But anyway, yeah. Vibes off. Eclipse was apparently happening during some conjunction between Mars and Saturn and apparently that's usually pretty bad because those are the two traditionally malefic planets. ("Malefic" things aren't necessarily evil, but they're the more challenging aspects of life. TL;DR Mars is about conflict and Saturn is about Death and Taxes. Conjunction with these two usually = plague stuff.)

But anyway eclipseses don't usually make me feel like shit. I'm usually pretty energized by things that are traditionally regarded as "omens" due to my weird paradox reaction to a lot of astrology associations. Mars and Saturn are actually my best planets to do work with (probably bc my Mars is in Scorpio and my Saturn is in Pisces).

I did dedicate myself to Marquis Andras on that date since it felt like a good time to do so.

- 🧁, 🧬